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The Highly Sensitive Child, Part Three: Pushing Through an Overwhelming Environment

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Now that we have an understanding of how your child experiences the world, we can help support him/her.

1. Plan

Talk to your child about the new experience when you first receive the invitation, and then starting 3 days before the event, discuss it each day. Spend a few minutes talking about what is to come and focus on the facts, along with solutions to possible problems:

“We will go inside and check in at the counter. Then we will get bowling shoes and pick out a ball. There will probably be loud noises and kids running around having fun. We will pack your iPod so you can take a break if it gets too loud or too busy. Let’s go make a playlist to help you stay calm if you need it.” Redirecting the conversation to something she can control in the moment, like making a playlist, will help her feel empowered in solving her own problems.

2. Expose

If you can, try going to the alley in advance just to walk around and expose your child to the environment. The 5-minute experience inside the building can help decrease the amount of stimulation she feels when she walks in for the party. The layout will be one less thing to get used to. You can use this time to pick out a spot that would be good for that music break when she’s not in panic overload.

3. Prepare

Be sure to pack that mp3 player, along with other items to help your child feel secure in this new environment. A few ideas: stress ball, stuffed animal, fidget toy. These items can help your child take a break while staying in the environment, which is the goal.

4. Evaluate

Think to yourself, what is a reasonable expectation for your child as you work to push her out of her comfort zone? That she stays for 30 minutes? Takes at least one break before you leave early? Plays one full round of bowling? If your child regularly refuses new situations, and melts down wanting to leave immediately, staying for the whole party the first time is not a reasonable goal, even with these new tricks up your sleeve. Again, as you are slowly introducing her to the activity, you must also adjust your goals for her.

5. Validate and (gently) Push

You will go to that party. It may be overwhelming for your kid, but you will have a plan. Validate her when she says she doesn’t want to go. Hold the expectation that you will still go, even if it seems like it’s too much.

I know you’re wondering if you can keep this up. It’s overwhelming to think that you will have to do this for your child forever. BREATHE. You won’t have to. Think of these extra steps as an investment.

You are investing in your child’s ability to push beyond anxiety and discomfort.

You are investing in her ability to self-soothe. She will learn to generalize these skills in new experiences in the future.

Most importantly, you are investing in your relationship, as she will feel understood as you acknowledge these experiences really are quite tough for her.

The Highly Sensitive Child, Part Two: Understanding Those Meltdowns

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Last week we learned about the highly sensitive child. This week, we will try to understand him/her.

It’s important to note your child is not being dramatic.

Their senses are actually on overload. Some highly sensitive people have likened their experiences to living in a body without skin. New experiences are not inviting, they are scary.  When your child’s worries are inhibiting him/her from participating in an activity, it can be helpful to think of all of the new factors you would experience when you go to a new location. Let’s use bowling at a birthday party for example.

First, you drive up, park, enter the building and look for the counter, say hello to the staff member, order your shoes, pay for the lane, pick a ball, etc. all before you even start to socialize with the other party-goers!

Highly sensitive children struggle to consider creative solutions to their problems.

As a result, they freeze or refuse new situations because it is too overwhelming to them. They struggle to think of what to do when they are uncomfortable in this new place to feel safe and secure. It’s safer to refuse and hope that mom or dad will let them stay home.

Where you or I can tune out the squealing children, bouncing balls rolling down the lanes, arcade games beeping, and music blaring, highly sensitive children struggle to zone in on the fun of the experience. They are trapped by all the noise, crowds of people, and those stiff shoes we have to wear.

Next week I will share how to help your sensitive child through a new experience.

Want to know more about the highly sensitive child, or another parenting topic? Let me know in the comments!

Feelings Uno

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UNO is a great game to help parents learn more about the emotions their children/teens experience. Use this variation at your next family game night and see how your children/teens experience their world. Hopefully you will be able to practice your skills in showing them empathy and in validating their feelings with this fun game!

The link below will send you to a page on my website that will allow you to click on the form!

Enjoy!

Feelings UNO

 

 

5 Ways to Tell if Your Child is Highly Sensitive

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Dr. Elaine Aron writes about the highly sensitive temperament type, and her work has greatly influenced mine. I teach parents how to understand children who need extra support in various environments. This is the first of my 3-part blog series about the highly sensitive child and how you can support him/her.

There’s a difference between having a child who worries a lot, and one that is highly sensitive.

  1.  Highly sensitive children often experience anxiety and sensory overwhelm. They don’t just worry about a new situation, they also experience the environment to be too loud, too hot, too crowded, their clothes too scratchy, or the fruit too juicy bursting in their mouth.
  2. A highly sensitive child seems more attuned to the tone of the environment. If a swim instructor speaks to them in a harsh tone, they may not be able to push through this to be excited about the pool and learning how to swim. An anxious child with the same experience can pick up on your happiness about the experience. They can usually ignore the grumpy instructor with encouragement and support.
  3. Highly sensitive children experience shame after their meltdowns that may lead to another meltdown. This is different than a child who experiences regret for their actions after a tantrum. Highly sensitive children tell themselves they are a bad kid, and often hide these feelings in order to please adults. You will notice this difference when you review with a child what they did wrong if they misbehave. This discussion can often lead to another meltdown.
  4. Highly sensitive children are perceptive. They notice when others are worried or upset, and usually will work to decrease this person’s unhappiness. This makes them kind, compassionate souls.
  5. Highly sensitive children are inquisitive. They ask clever, curious questions that you would not think would be something a child of their age would wonder about. Think of your little worrier and how elaborate her worries can get. When highly sensitive children worry to the extent that it interferes with their ability to participate in their daily activities, it may be time to seek professional guidance.

There is nothing wrong with children who have great worries and sensitivities.

Their brains process information differently. They (and their parents) sometimes need support to further understand how to navigate the world while honoring these superpowers. If you would like more information about the highly sensitive child, and to take a quiz to further help you determine whether your child fits this personality type, visit Dr. Aron’s page here.

Next week I will be posting about how highly sensitive children experience their world. This will help us further understand their sensitivities.

Is there something you’d like to know about the highly sensitive child? Let me know in the comments!

How to Turn Your Worrier into a Warrior with Validation

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In a previous post I spoke about empathy, and how we can use it to help our children comply with our requests at home. Empathy is important to help children feel understood, and validation helps them recognize their feelings are normal. It’s the next step to building an emotionally intelligent child/teen. Validation is often viewed as interchangeable with empathy with parents, so I want to break it down here.

Why do we need validation?

Validation is especially helpful when children are worried. A common theme among the children and teens I work with is that they’ve developed a pattern of hiding their worries from their parents. Typically, this occurs even when parents acknowledge their feelings, because they then work hard to make it better for their kids by offering solutions to the problem, or telling them not to worry.

This is something we are hardwired to do. Our evolutionary brains are built to take away our child’s booboos. When they are infants, they cry, we pick them up, and do everything we can make them stop, right?

Well, this works great for the first year, maybe two. After that, children interpret a subtle message from our attempts to make it all better. They start to think that it’s not ok to feel worried or sad or other negative feelings. So they mention them less, and the effects of their worries leak out in their behavior with whining, complaining, meltdowns, and tantrums, no matter the age.

What is validation?

Validation is the act of letting your child know their feelings are ok, common, expected, and that’s it. No need for a solution, or to make them happy again.

But Megghan, it hurts my heart to see them upset! Yes, it absolutely does. Emotionally expressive and resilient children need the space to feel their feelings without worrying about whether their parents think they should have those feelings, or if it will get them in trouble, or if they will be dismissed for worrying about a ‘small’ thing.

Easier said than done! Like I said earlier, it’s an automatic response for us to say “don’t worry” or “it won’t hurt” or “you’ll be fine.” It was necessary for early humans to make quick decisions about danger. This often meant deciding for their children what they should/should not do in an uncertain situation. Now that we live in a society where we aren’t being chased by animal predators, we can let our children be in their feelings without needing to whisk them away immediately.

How can I validate my child/teen?

To send this message we can say “you’re really worried about that” (empathy). Then, “It makes sense that you’re wondering what might happen when…” (validation). Or “It’s tough to feel like you don’t know what’s going to happen next” (empathy) and “lots of kids feel worried when they try a new experience” (validation).

Pause and let your child talk about the worry, or draw a picture about how big it is, or for teens, pick a song whose lyrics fit what they’re feeling. Keep the focus on them, as teens especially often feel misunderstood when we offer an example that shows we can relate.

You can offer at the end of your conversation to help them work through a solution, or ask what they think they want to do about it. When we make space for our kids to feel their feelings, and know they are ok to have, we make space for them to find their own solutions to these problems in their own time.

Stay tuned for more on validation and helping worried kids and teens. Want more tips on specific issues? Let me know in the comments!

Left Brain/Right Brain Diagram

Play Therapy and the Brain

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In focusing on the neuroscience of the field, I hope this post helps increase your understanding of the purpose of using playful means to engage your child/teen.

Recent research in the field of play therapy has focused on the impact of play therapy on brain development. Stewart, Field and Echterling (2016) discuss play as an “emotionally engaging and creative experience that increases levels of oxytocin” in the brain. This hormone fosters feelings of emotional health and connection, supporting the therapeutic relationship. As I create and support a playful environment with my clients, they feel more relaxed, and can then open up more deeply in their treatment.

Without this ability to relax in the session, children and teens would not be able to use their imagination to consider the possibility for behavioral change. Instead, we might see a teen who will “yes” me to death without truly considering trying the skills I am teaching, or a child who feels like he/she is in trouble, and thus denies the need for support altogether by shutting down when he/she enters the office or playroom.

Play therapy is a more developmentally appropriate treatment for children compared to talk therapy (Stewart, Field, & Echterling, 2016). Children learn through play, and thus need the opportunity to generalize their skills in the moment, as opposed to applying a lesson learned earlier in session without practice. Through play therapy, I help build self-awareness and provide an environment for change by verbalizing what I see/hear in session, a process called reflecting. This mindful approach of reflecting encourages the child/teen to pay attention to his/her actions and the impact they have on their own environment.

In using a neuroscience-based approach, I focus on helping children and teens manage their emotions by integrating their right-brain (creative, emotional, expressive) and left-brain (logical, rule-oriented, analytical) functions through playful skills teaching. Play therapy helps youth let their filter down in the conscious, verbal, rigid left side of the brain to express their inner emotions (right side of the brain) within the safety of our relationship. Integration is required for the possibility of creative problem solving, a skill one needs to cope with life’s challenges with less frustration and more persistence.

The mirror neurons in the child mimic my calm, patient demeanor, allowing a child to be patient with themselves as their inner emotions work to make sense of stressful events. They can then persist through difficult topic discussion or play across various sessions and generate more effective reactions to stressful events (Stewart, Field, & Echterling, 2016).

Looking for more information on play therapy’s impact on the brain? Let me know in the comments!

Reference:

Stewart, A., Field, T., & Echterling, L. (2016). Neuroscience and the magic of play therapy. International Journal of Play Therapy, 25 (1) 4-13.

What is Play Therapy?

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“So you just play with my kid? I can do that!”

Not exactly. Just like talk therapy is not just talking, play therapy is not just playing. Play therapists create an environment with carefully selected toys to allow your child to express him/herself and his/her feelings. Play is a child’s language (Landreth 2012). Children express what they learn through their play and make sense of their world through reenacting scenarios they’ve experienced through play.

Remember playing house or grocery store as a kid? You were organizing social rules, responsibilities, and stereotypical gender roles as you did so. In playing cops and robbers you created a situation in which you felt powerful. All children feel a sense of powerlessness over their world, as they are dependent on adults to survive. Play allows them to reconcile this need to be in charge.

My training and experience helps me build a child’s self-awareness while she plays. I focus on building a trusting relationship, and your child feels heard and understood. As a result, she sees less of a need to act out to express her feelings. She is also more likely to develop an emotional vocabulary as she hears me use feelings words to describe the emotions exhibited in her play.

With child-centered play therapy she is in the lead in the playroom. There is no pressure for her to perform a certain way, learn a specific topic, or perfect a specific skill. She has the opportunity to experiment with behaving in a safe manner to find her own way to express herself. Before she gets there, however, she may need to be aggressive, get messy, or act like a baby in her play sessions to express her need to act younger than her age. She can do that in the play session without correction and with little redirection. (I set limits only focused on safety and protecting the toys from destruction).

Play therapy is like writing a book report—in session I’m reporting on the plot, including the feelings she expresses, and in my head I’m teasing out the themes, and metaphors across in your child’s play sessions. This helps me determine progress and skills, and translate that to parents and other involved adults.

In practicing safe emotional expression in an environment where she feels understood, she can gain confidence to do so out in the ‘real world’. These accomplishments are much like what occurs in a successful adult therapy relationship, just with a different approach tailored to the child’s soul.