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The Highly Sensitive Child, Part Two: Understanding Those Meltdowns

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Last week we learned about the highly sensitive child. This week, we will try to understand him/her.

It’s important to note your child is not being dramatic.

Their senses are actually on overload. Some highly sensitive people have likened their experiences to living in a body without skin. New experiences are not inviting, they are scary.  When your child’s worries are inhibiting him/her from participating in an activity, it can be helpful to think of all of the new factors you would experience when you go to a new location. Let’s use bowling at a birthday party for example.

First, you drive up, park, enter the building and look for the counter, say hello to the staff member, order your shoes, pay for the lane, pick a ball, etc. all before you even start to socialize with the other party-goers!

Highly sensitive children struggle to consider creative solutions to their problems.

As a result, they freeze or refuse new situations because it is too overwhelming to them. They struggle to think of what to do when they are uncomfortable in this new place to feel safe and secure. It’s safer to refuse and hope that mom or dad will let them stay home.

Where you or I can tune out the squealing children, bouncing balls rolling down the lanes, arcade games beeping, and music blaring, highly sensitive children struggle to zone in on the fun of the experience. They are trapped by all the noise, crowds of people, and those stiff shoes we have to wear.

Next week I will share how to help your sensitive child through a new experience.

Want to know more about the highly sensitive child, or another parenting topic? Let me know in the comments!

Feelings Uno

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UNO is a great game to help parents learn more about the emotions their children/teens experience. Use this variation at your next family game night and see how your children/teens experience their world. Hopefully you will be able to practice your skills in showing them empathy and in validating their feelings with this fun game!

The link below will send you to a page on my website that will allow you to click on the form!

Enjoy!

Feelings UNO

 

 

5 Ways to Tell if Your Child is Highly Sensitive

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Dr. Elaine Aron writes about the highly sensitive temperament type, and her work has greatly influenced mine. I teach parents how to understand children who need extra support in various environments. This is the first of my 3-part blog series about the highly sensitive child and how you can support him/her.

There’s a difference between having a child who worries a lot, and one that is highly sensitive.

  1.  Highly sensitive children often experience anxiety and sensory overwhelm. They don’t just worry about a new situation, they also experience the environment to be too loud, too hot, too crowded, their clothes too scratchy, or the fruit too juicy bursting in their mouth.
  2. A highly sensitive child seems more attuned to the tone of the environment. If a swim instructor speaks to them in a harsh tone, they may not be able to push through this to be excited about the pool and learning how to swim. An anxious child with the same experience can pick up on your happiness about the experience. They can usually ignore the grumpy instructor with encouragement and support.
  3. Highly sensitive children experience shame after their meltdowns that may lead to another meltdown. This is different than a child who experiences regret for their actions after a tantrum. Highly sensitive children tell themselves they are a bad kid, and often hide these feelings in order to please adults. You will notice this difference when you review with a child what they did wrong if they misbehave. This discussion can often lead to another meltdown.
  4. Highly sensitive children are perceptive. They notice when others are worried or upset, and usually will work to decrease this person’s unhappiness. This makes them kind, compassionate souls.
  5. Highly sensitive children are inquisitive. They ask clever, curious questions that you would not think would be something a child of their age would wonder about. Think of your little worrier and how elaborate her worries can get. When highly sensitive children worry to the extent that it interferes with their ability to participate in their daily activities, it may be time to seek professional guidance.

There is nothing wrong with children who have great worries and sensitivities.

Their brains process information differently. They (and their parents) sometimes need support to further understand how to navigate the world while honoring these superpowers. If you would like more information about the highly sensitive child, and to take a quiz to further help you determine whether your child fits this personality type, visit Dr. Aron’s page here.

Next week I will be posting about how highly sensitive children experience their world. This will help us further understand their sensitivities.

Is there something you’d like to know about the highly sensitive child? Let me know in the comments!

Mom and son ignoring each other

Tough Sh*t!

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“I would NEVER talk back to my parents like that!” Sound familiar?

You can experience success with your child if you focus on acknowledging their struggle to comply.

But Megghan, isn’t that coddling? Don’t I look like I’m giving in if I say it’s ok for them to be sad about not getting their way?

As much as you want to say “tough shit” when they whine about your expectation, keep in mind that a hard line like that can breed resentment in your child. If your boss asked you to stay late, but phrased it like this: “I know you want to get home to your family but I need you to stay to resolve this issue before you go.” You’d probably talk less under your breath than if she said “you’re gonna have to stay late; if you don’t like it, get another job.” A few more interactions like that and you’ll be updating your resume.

The same goes for your child. “I know it’s hard to quit playing and clean your room. You wish you didn’t have to do it, but I need you to do that before dinner.” Those first two sentences can go a long way in helping a child feel understood in their disappointment. When children feel understood they are less likely to act out to explain their feelings.

I’m not proposing you change your expectations, completing chores before playing is a reasonable responsibility for a child.

Empathizing with your child’s feelings can help facilitate their movement toward compliance with (less) grumbling. Continue this pattern and you’ll likely see a decrease in their attempts to fight back.

Check back soon for more tips how to use empathy and validation effectively!