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Sticks and Stones My Ass– What to do When Your Kid Calls You Names, Part 1

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Whether is a*hole, jerk, dummy, or stupid, it hurts when our kids/teens lash out in anger. No matter the age, correcting the use of the ‘bad word’ is probably not going to diffuse the situation in the moment. Focusing on the emotions behind the words will, however.

1. Check On Yourself

No, not ‘check yourself’, check in ON yourself. This series is not only about how to respond to your child, but also a check in to all my parents out there to make sure you’re comforting yourself. Parenting is hard as hell. PLEASE do something for yourself regularly so that you can be able to take that verbal tomato thrown at you. Reading your book club book that you don’t actually like doesn’t count.

Paint your nails, take a yoga class and actually go, whittle some wood, dig in the yard and plant something you can feel proud to watch grow (only if gardening is actually your thing). None of this Keeping up with the Jones’ hobby shit. If you don’t like to knit, stop doing that to relax. Find some sort of self-care activity (I’m sure there’s a Pinterest list about it) that sends the message to yourself that you are worth the 30-60 minutes a week. Yes, you heard me; monthly parent’s night out isn’t going to cut it.

As parents, it’s easy to prioritize our kids’ sports practices, scouts meetings, and other events over our own interests.

Cool it. Find a friend who can carpool. Your kid will benefit more from a parent who can keep their cool when they are overwhelmed than one that shows up to ALL THE THINGS but can’t keep their shit together at home.

Feel like I’m going too far with this post?

Let me ask you this: why do we take in the parenting blogs that tell us all the things we’re doing wrong for our kids, the things we SHOULD prioritize for their healthy development, and yet dismiss ones that encourage we prioritize our own well-being?

In order to forgive ourselves for the times we do lose our shit at home, and do better next time, we have to be available for change. We cannot be available for change as parents if we are in survival mode.

2. Name the Feeling

I’ve written about empathy before. I will write about it again. Here, I’m talking to you about naming your feelings. What besides hurt are you experiencing when you hear those words your child flings at you? Do you hear your 5th grade bully saying you’re no good? Or your caregivers as a child when you didn’t measure up?

Experience that pain.

Maybe that means you take a longer shower and let the tears flow, but either way, understand why these words are so powerful for your children when they use them. It will help you teach them why they’re not appropriate later.

You are responsible for your own emotional management.

If you regularly treat yourself with compassion, it will be easier to let your child’s poor choice of words when they are hurting mean less to you. With this, you can avoid lecturing, time-outs, writing lines, and all those other punishment and shame-oriented responses that are based in anger, frustration, or exasperation when our children are not able to manage their emotions.

Want to know more about what and when to respond to your child when they use this language? Next week I’ll cover that.

Spoiler alert: 

Despite my cuss words above, I’m not going to say it’s no big deal that your kids are using these bad words. But, as you can probably tell, the soap in my mouth at 7 didn’t do shit. (Sorry mom!)

The Highly Sensitive Child, Part Three: Pushing Through an Overwhelming Environment

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Now that we have an understanding of how your child experiences the world, we can help support him/her.

1. Plan

Talk to your child about the new experience when you first receive the invitation, and then starting 3 days before the event, discuss it each day. Spend a few minutes talking about what is to come and focus on the facts, along with solutions to possible problems:

“We will go inside and check in at the counter. Then we will get bowling shoes and pick out a ball. There will probably be loud noises and kids running around having fun. We will pack your iPod so you can take a break if it gets too loud or too busy. Let’s go make a playlist to help you stay calm if you need it.” Redirecting the conversation to something she can control in the moment, like making a playlist, will help her feel empowered in solving her own problems.

2. Expose

If you can, try going to the alley in advance just to walk around and expose your child to the environment. The 5-minute experience inside the building can help decrease the amount of stimulation she feels when she walks in for the party. The layout will be one less thing to get used to. You can use this time to pick out a spot that would be good for that music break when she’s not in panic overload.

3. Prepare

Be sure to pack that mp3 player, along with other items to help your child feel secure in this new environment. A few ideas: stress ball, stuffed animal, fidget toy. These items can help your child take a break while staying in the environment, which is the goal.

4. Evaluate

Think to yourself, what is a reasonable expectation for your child as you work to push her out of her comfort zone? That she stays for 30 minutes? Takes at least one break before you leave early? Plays one full round of bowling? If your child regularly refuses new situations, and melts down wanting to leave immediately, staying for the whole party the first time is not a reasonable goal, even with these new tricks up your sleeve. Again, as you are slowly introducing her to the activity, you must also adjust your goals for her.

5. Validate and (gently) Push

You will go to that party. It may be overwhelming for your kid, but you will have a plan. Validate her when she says she doesn’t want to go. Hold the expectation that you will still go, even if it seems like it’s too much.

I know you’re wondering if you can keep this up. It’s overwhelming to think that you will have to do this for your child forever. BREATHE. You won’t have to. Think of these extra steps as an investment.

You are investing in your child’s ability to push beyond anxiety and discomfort.

You are investing in her ability to self-soothe. She will learn to generalize these skills in new experiences in the future.

Most importantly, you are investing in your relationship, as she will feel understood as you acknowledge these experiences really are quite tough for her.

The Highly Sensitive Child, Part Two: Understanding Those Meltdowns

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Last week we learned about the highly sensitive child. This week, we will try to understand him/her.

It’s important to note your child is not being dramatic.

Their senses are actually on overload. Some highly sensitive people have likened their experiences to living in a body without skin. New experiences are not inviting, they are scary.  When your child’s worries are inhibiting him/her from participating in an activity, it can be helpful to think of all of the new factors you would experience when you go to a new location. Let’s use bowling at a birthday party for example.

First, you drive up, park, enter the building and look for the counter, say hello to the staff member, order your shoes, pay for the lane, pick a ball, etc. all before you even start to socialize with the other party-goers!

Highly sensitive children struggle to consider creative solutions to their problems.

As a result, they freeze or refuse new situations because it is too overwhelming to them. They struggle to think of what to do when they are uncomfortable in this new place to feel safe and secure. It’s safer to refuse and hope that mom or dad will let them stay home.

Where you or I can tune out the squealing children, bouncing balls rolling down the lanes, arcade games beeping, and music blaring, highly sensitive children struggle to zone in on the fun of the experience. They are trapped by all the noise, crowds of people, and those stiff shoes we have to wear.

Next week I will share how to help your sensitive child through a new experience.

Want to know more about the highly sensitive child, or another parenting topic? Let me know in the comments!

Feelings Uno

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UNO is a great game to help parents learn more about the emotions their children/teens experience. Use this variation at your next family game night and see how your children/teens experience their world. Hopefully you will be able to practice your skills in showing them empathy and in validating their feelings with this fun game!

The link below will send you to a page on my website that will allow you to click on the form!

Enjoy!

Feelings UNO

 

 

5 Ways to Tell if Your Child is Highly Sensitive

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Dr. Elaine Aron writes about the highly sensitive temperament type, and her work has greatly influenced mine. I teach parents how to understand children who need extra support in various environments. This is the first of my 3-part blog series about the highly sensitive child and how you can support him/her.

There’s a difference between having a child who worries a lot, and one that is highly sensitive.

  1.  Highly sensitive children often experience anxiety and sensory overwhelm. They don’t just worry about a new situation, they also experience the environment to be too loud, too hot, too crowded, their clothes too scratchy, or the fruit too juicy bursting in their mouth.
  2. A highly sensitive child seems more attuned to the tone of the environment. If a swim instructor speaks to them in a harsh tone, they may not be able to push through this to be excited about the pool and learning how to swim. An anxious child with the same experience can pick up on your happiness about the experience. They can usually ignore the grumpy instructor with encouragement and support.
  3. Highly sensitive children experience shame after their meltdowns that may lead to another meltdown. This is different than a child who experiences regret for their actions after a tantrum. Highly sensitive children tell themselves they are a bad kid, and often hide these feelings in order to please adults. You will notice this difference when you review with a child what they did wrong if they misbehave. This discussion can often lead to another meltdown.
  4. Highly sensitive children are perceptive. They notice when others are worried or upset, and usually will work to decrease this person’s unhappiness. This makes them kind, compassionate souls.
  5. Highly sensitive children are inquisitive. They ask clever, curious questions that you would not think would be something a child of their age would wonder about. Think of your little worrier and how elaborate her worries can get. When highly sensitive children worry to the extent that it interferes with their ability to participate in their daily activities, it may be time to seek professional guidance.

There is nothing wrong with children who have great worries and sensitivities.

Their brains process information differently. They (and their parents) sometimes need support to further understand how to navigate the world while honoring these superpowers. If you would like more information about the highly sensitive child, and to take a quiz to further help you determine whether your child fits this personality type, visit Dr. Aron’s page here.

Next week I will be posting about how highly sensitive children experience their world. This will help us further understand their sensitivities.

Is there something you’d like to know about the highly sensitive child? Let me know in the comments!

How to Turn Your Worrier into a Warrior with Validation

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In a previous post I spoke about empathy, and how we can use it to help our children comply with our requests at home. Empathy is important to help children feel understood, and validation helps them recognize their feelings are normal. It’s the next step to building an emotionally intelligent child/teen. Validation is often viewed as interchangeable with empathy with parents, so I want to break it down here.

Why do we need validation?

Validation is especially helpful when children are worried. A common theme among the children and teens I work with is that they’ve developed a pattern of hiding their worries from their parents. Typically, this occurs even when parents acknowledge their feelings, because they then work hard to make it better for their kids by offering solutions to the problem, or telling them not to worry.

This is something we are hardwired to do. Our evolutionary brains are built to take away our child’s booboos. When they are infants, they cry, we pick them up, and do everything we can make them stop, right?

Well, this works great for the first year, maybe two. After that, children interpret a subtle message from our attempts to make it all better. They start to think that it’s not ok to feel worried or sad or other negative feelings. So they mention them less, and the effects of their worries leak out in their behavior with whining, complaining, meltdowns, and tantrums, no matter the age.

What is validation?

Validation is the act of letting your child know their feelings are ok, common, expected, and that’s it. No need for a solution, or to make them happy again.

But Megghan, it hurts my heart to see them upset! Yes, it absolutely does. Emotionally expressive and resilient children need the space to feel their feelings without worrying about whether their parents think they should have those feelings, or if it will get them in trouble, or if they will be dismissed for worrying about a ‘small’ thing.

Easier said than done! Like I said earlier, it’s an automatic response for us to say “don’t worry” or “it won’t hurt” or “you’ll be fine.” It was necessary for early humans to make quick decisions about danger. This often meant deciding for their children what they should/should not do in an uncertain situation. Now that we live in a society where we aren’t being chased by animal predators, we can let our children be in their feelings without needing to whisk them away immediately.

How can I validate my child/teen?

To send this message we can say “you’re really worried about that” (empathy). Then, “It makes sense that you’re wondering what might happen when…” (validation). Or “It’s tough to feel like you don’t know what’s going to happen next” (empathy) and “lots of kids feel worried when they try a new experience” (validation).

Pause and let your child talk about the worry, or draw a picture about how big it is, or for teens, pick a song whose lyrics fit what they’re feeling. Keep the focus on them, as teens especially often feel misunderstood when we offer an example that shows we can relate.

You can offer at the end of your conversation to help them work through a solution, or ask what they think they want to do about it. When we make space for our kids to feel their feelings, and know they are ok to have, we make space for them to find their own solutions to these problems in their own time.

Stay tuned for more on validation and helping worried kids and teens. Want more tips on specific issues? Let me know in the comments!

Mom and son ignoring each other

Tough Sh*t!

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“I would NEVER talk back to my parents like that!” Sound familiar?

You can experience success with your child if you focus on acknowledging their struggle to comply.

But Megghan, isn’t that coddling? Don’t I look like I’m giving in if I say it’s ok for them to be sad about not getting their way?

As much as you want to say “tough shit” when they whine about your expectation, keep in mind that a hard line like that can breed resentment in your child. If your boss asked you to stay late, but phrased it like this: “I know you want to get home to your family but I need you to stay to resolve this issue before you go.” You’d probably talk less under your breath than if she said “you’re gonna have to stay late; if you don’t like it, get another job.” A few more interactions like that and you’ll be updating your resume.

The same goes for your child. “I know it’s hard to quit playing and clean your room. You wish you didn’t have to do it, but I need you to do that before dinner.” Those first two sentences can go a long way in helping a child feel understood in their disappointment. When children feel understood they are less likely to act out to explain their feelings.

I’m not proposing you change your expectations, completing chores before playing is a reasonable responsibility for a child.

Empathizing with your child’s feelings can help facilitate their movement toward compliance with (less) grumbling. Continue this pattern and you’ll likely see a decrease in their attempts to fight back.

Check back soon for more tips how to use empathy and validation effectively!

Dad shouting at son with bullhorn

Don’t Shoot!

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2 Ways to Avoid Being Ignored and Negotiating Your Expectations with Your Kids

Does getting your child to comply sometimes feels like a hostage negotiation? Parents often report they struggle with balancing the time it takes to explain their request with the expectation that their child should just do what they tell them to do when they tell them to do it.

Good news—you don’t have to! When working with your child to follow your direction, focus solely on being consistent in making the request. After your child complies, then you can take the time to explain why you asked them to do something, or why they had to do it right now, etc.

When we explain our motives or reasons for a request in that moment we open up the opportunity for a child to attempt to negotiate out of it. It’s most effective to avoid the discussion at that time and focus on helping your child comply.

Before we break it down, let’s visit the all too familiar scene we know so well:

Parent: “Joey, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store, put away your video game and get your shoes on.”

Joey: “But why? I wanna keep playing!”

Parent: “Because we have to get groceries for the week so I can make your lunches for school and cook dinner.”

Joey: “I don’t need that, I can buy lunch at school! Can’t we go later?”

Parent: “I don’t have time to go later; we are going now.”

Joey: “But I just said I don’t need lunch! I can buy it!”

Parent: “We don’t have money for you to buy lunch each day, do you know how expensive that is? Let’s go.”

Joey: “We can use the grocery money!”

Parent: “Ugh! FINE! 10 more minutes, then we HAVE to go!”

10 mins later…

Parent: “Joey, it’s time for us to go”

Joey: “No!”

Parent: [in exasperation] “Joey! End of discussion! Get in the car now or you’ll lose the video games for a week!”

It’s amazing how clever our kids can be! Often parents report to me that they feel like they can’t keep up with their kid’s endless attempts to maneuver out of a task. Here are two easy tricks to avoid getting caught in this rapid-fire negotiation.

1. The Broken Record Approach: Here’s where you continue to repeat your request in a calm, relaxed tone. You avoid engaging with the questions about why you’re asking for your child to act.

Parent: “Joey, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store, put away your video game and get your shoes on.”

Joey: “But why? I wanna keep playing!”

Parent: “We’ll talk about it in the car. It’s time for you to put your shoes on and get in the car.

Joey: “Ugh, Whyyyyyy?”

Parent: It’s time for us to go to the grocery store, go get your shoes.

Joey: “But can’t I stay home with (dad, grandpa, mom, by myself, etc.)?”

Parent: “It’s time for you to put on your shoes. We are going to the grocery store. We can talk about it in the car.”

Joey: “Ugh! Ok FINE!”

I’m not asking you to ignore your child/teen’s curiosity. You can certainly have a discussion about why your request is necessary, just not in the middle of your initial request. By delaying this long explanation, you maintain your focus on compliance, which allows for your child/teen to also maintain focus on the goal at hand. You demonstrate that you are being consistent in holding the limit to stop the activity. Lastly, you stay in control by avoiding the trap of having to come up with a clever response to all the various solutions your child/teen comes up with to avoid the task.

2. Offer Choices:

Parent: “Joey, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store, put away your video game and get your shoes on.”

Joey: “But why? I wanna keep playing!”

Parent: “We’ll talk about it in the car. Do you want to wear your red sneakers or your blue sneakers?”

Joey: “I don’t want to go!”

Parent: “I know you don’t want to go. If you choose not to put on your shoes, you choose to lose video games for the rest of the night. Do you want to wear your red sneakers or your blue sneakers?”

Joey: “I want to wear my red ones!”

Parent: “Great, you’ve chosen your red sneakers, and to play video games later. Let’s go.”

When we ask a child to stop a fun activity they feel disappointed, interrupted, powerless, and often attempt to negotiate more time. This is normal, but can be very frustrating for busy parents. By acknowledging their desire (I know you don’t want to go) and offering choices, we give the child the opportunity to control an aspect of the experience that doesn’t affect our end goal. In using the word choose, we emphasize the child’s capacity to comply, and their sense of responsibility for the consequences of their actions. If they choose not to comply, then they’ve chosen to lose video games for the rest of the night/week, etc. (consequences are to match the child’s developmental age). This leaves you out of being the bad guy, and avoids the power struggle.

When we change our approach to making requests, we need to expect a behavior burst. Your child may complain louder, negotiate more, and push back harder at first. If you maintain your new approach, your child will learn his old tactics won’t work, and you’re going to hold your ground. Less negotiating will occur over time, leading to a more peaceful home.