Do you ever feel like your teen is purposely defying your expectations? or do you feel like you spend way too much time trying to negotiate with your kid about when homework needs to be completed? … and you usually give in anyway.

Either way, know that you are NOT alone. Many parents often report that it is a struggle to balance the time it takes to explain their request with the expectation that their teen should just do what they say. I agree that it shouldn’t be this hard.

And we all get that pang of “What if my kid can’t follow directions or be flexible in life?” when this is a constant challenge. Thankfully, I have good news. You can stop negotiating with your teenager. Yes, you read that right. 

First, focus solely on being consistent in making the request. After your kid complies, THEN explain why you asked them to do something, or why they had to do it right now, etc. When we explain our motives or reasons for a request immediately after making the request, we create an opportunity for a child to attempt to negotiate out of it. It’s most effective to avoid the discussion at that time. Focus on helping your teen comply instead. Take this familiar example to get a feel for how to put this into practice.

Parent: “Dave, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store. Put your book away and get your shoes on, please.”

Dave: “But I’m watching YouTube. Why do we have to go now?”

Parent: “Because we have to get groceries for the week so I can make your lunches for school and cook dinner.”

Dave: “I can just buy lunch AT school. I don’t need you to make me anything. Can’t we go later?”

Parent: “I don’t have time to go later; we are going now.”

Dave: “But I JUST said I don’t need you to make me lunch! I can buy it!”

Parent: “We don’t have money for you to buy lunch each day. Do you know how expensive that is? Let’s go.”

Dave: “We can use the money for the groceries. Problem solved!”

Parent: “Ugh! No! But FINE! You can have 10 more minutes, then we HAVE to go!”

10 mins later…

Parent: “Dave, it’s time for us to go”

Dave: “No!”

Parent: [in exasperation] “David! End of discussion! Get in the car now or you’ll lose your phone for a week!”

Isn’t it almost shocking how clever our kids are? It’s no surprise that parents often tell me that they feel like they can’t keep up with their kids bobbing and weaving out of a simple task.  Now that we’ve set the example above, read on to learn two different approaches to set your expectations while avoiding the negotiation tactics…

#1 The Broken Record Approach.

This is where you continue to repeat your request in a calm, relaxed tone. 

Avoid engaging with the questions about why you’re asking for your child to act.

Parent: “Dave, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store. Put your laptop away and get your shoes on, please.”

Dave: “But I’m watching YouTube. Why do we have to go now?”

Parent: “We’ll talk about it in the car. It’s time for you to put your shoes on and get in the car.

Dave: “Ugh, Whyyyyyy?”

Parent: It’s time for us to go to the grocery store, go get your shoes.

Dave: “But can’t I stay home with (dad, grandpa, mom, by myself, etc.)?”

Parent: “It’s time for you to put on your shoes. We are going to the grocery store. We can talk about it in the car.”

Dave: “Ugh! Ok FINE!”

Note that I’m not asking you to ignore your teen’s curiosity. 

You can have a discussion about why your request is necessary.

Just not in the middle of your initial request.

If you can delay the long explanation, your focus stays on follow through.

This helps your teen to also maintain focus on the goal at hand. You show that you are being consistent in holding your expectation to stop the activity (reading, video games, etc). 

AND, you stay in control by avoiding the trap of having to come up with a clever response to all the various solutions your child/teen comes up with to avoid the task.

Another potential solution:

#2 Offer Choices.

Parent: “Dave, it’s time for us to go to the grocery store. Put your laptop away and get your shoes on, please.”

Dave: “But I want to stay here. Why do we have to go now?”

Parent: “We’ll talk about it in the car. Do you want to wear your red sneakers or your blue sneakers?”

Dave: “I don’t want to go!”

Parent: “I know you don’t want to go. If you choose not to put on your shoes, you choose to lose your computer for the rest of the night. Do you want to wear your red sneakers or your blue sneakers?”

Dave: “I want to wear my red ones!”

Parent: “Great, you’ve chosen your red sneakers, and to resume watching YouTube later. Let’s go.”

An important thing to notice is that when we ask a child to stop a fun activity, they feel disappointed, interrupted, powerless, sad, and often try to negotiate more time. This is normal… but can be very frustrating for busy parents. By acknowledging their desire (I know you don’t want to go) and offering choices, we give the teen the chance to control an aspect of the experience. Plus, it doesn’t affect our end goal, so it’s a win-win. 

In using the word “choose,” we emphasize the teen’s ability to comply with our request. It also highlights their sense of responsibility for the consequences of their actions. If they choose NOT to comply, then they’ve chosen to lose books for the rest of the night/week, etc. (consequences are to match the child’s developmental age).  This leaves you out of being the bad guy, AND avoids the power struggle.

To summarize, when we change the way we make requests, we need to expect a behavior burst. Your child may complain louder, negotiate more, and push back harder at first. But if you maintain your new approach, your child will learn the old tactics won’t work. They’ll expect you to hold your ground.  Less negotiating will occur over time.

And your home will finally feel the peace it deserves.