Last week we learned that anger is always a secondary emotion. That means we can act as investigators rather than instructors when our children act out in anger. When our child/teen is angry, focusing on their other emotion and redirecting them to express this emotion effectively, will help dissipate their anger.
Usually, we fall into the power-struggle trap of commanding our children to behave: “don’t call me names, that’s disrespectful, go to your room!” This leaves our child/teen feeling powerful that they can hurt our feelings or make us react in anger.
Try these options instead:
Name the underlying feeling and comfort this part of your child.
Let’s use the example of Josie wanting a snack 10 minutes before dinner:
“You are sad that you don’t get a snack. Let’s get a drink of water to cool down those mad feelings.”
Redirect the emotion to an inanimate object:
“It’s hard when you don’t get what you want. That’s disappointing.”
“NO! You’re a bad mom!” (The first time doesn’t always work!)
“Josie, I know you’re disappointed you don’t get a snack right now. You can pretend the doll is me and call the doll names, but I am not for name-calling.”
Redirecting your child’s impulses toward an inanimate object is much like grumbling under our breath or in our heads for adults. Children don’t always have that level of self-control readily accessible when angry. Give them an outlet to maintain the verbal aggression without directing it at you. This is the first step to teaching them they can control their behavior.
Once your child follows through on this task, report their actions back to them:
“Ooh, you’re so mad you are calling her names!” This demonstrates to your child you are interested in understanding their feelings by naming them. They feel heard, and you are no longer the target of their anger. It is this part of the step that does not reinforce the aggression like people believe punching a pillow does for managing anger. When kids/teens feel heard, they feel less likely to act out.
Praise their efforts to calm down: “It was so hard to stop yelling at mommy, but you did it! You chose to yell at your doll instead.”
For teens, redirecting them to write down what they feel, or to play music to suit their mood is another good option, even if that means blasting the tunes. (“You can choose to write or draw about your disappointment, or play loud music to calm down. Please do not use that language when you are angry.”) Be sure to comment positively once they come back from their room on the effort it took for them to calm down. “You were really pissed, and you wanted to keep calling me names but you didn’t. I’m proud of you for that, that’s hard to do.”
Once your child/teen is calm, you can discuss with them how you feel when they use those words.
For teens especially, it could be very helpful for them to hear how those words bring up memories for you. Instead of in the moment via lecture-mode, here is the teachable moment. This is when you can come up with solutions to decrease the problem next time. Perhaps that means setting up a calm-down corner on the ground floor, or in their room. Notice how I said decrease, not eliminate when addressing the problem. Your child will yell again. They will call you names. Your responses will help eliminate the problem, their calm-down tools will help them feel more capable when upset.
I hope this is helpful. If you would like more tips about managing anger, or other child/teen emotions let me know in the comments!
I hope you took some time this week to figure out what you’ll be implementing regularly to care for yourself, and identifying what, if any, activity for your child has to be shuffled around in order to make it happen. Bonus points for already doing it!
So, when you thought about the memories these mean names remind you of, what feelings came up? Helplessness? Vulnerability? Sadness? Disappointment? Hurt? This insight will come in handy…
Here is the next step in responding to your child when they call you names:
Understand the Brain
Children do not have the cognitive capacity to think ahead when upset. Their frontal lobe, the part of the brain that manages impulses, is immature.
But wait, Megghan, MY KID KNOWS these words piss me off! Yes, after they explode, they remember, or it registers, that what they did is hurtful. They are intelligent enough to talk to you about it later and demonstrate understanding. When we assume this means they know what they’re doing in the moment, what we miss here is the understanding that children need empathy, repetition and support to manage their angry impulses. If we do not acknowledge their brain development, we jump to shame-oriented parenting strategies (spanking, time-out, writing lines, soap, etc.)
Children cannot develop and express empathy unless they feel understood. They cannot understand, nor give two sh*ts about your feelings, and whether their words hurt you, if you do not first identify and sit with theirs. So, last week I asked you to do some self-exploration. If we brush off our own emotions regularly, say our kids’ words don’t hurt, then we cannot acknowledge their hurt.
Notice how I am not mentioning much about anger in this post already.
Anger is ALWAYS a secondary emotion. There is always another feeling underneath the anger. This feeling makes us feel more vulnerable, and thus we automatically look for a way to feel powerful, hence, the angry outburst. This comes more easily than saying “I’m disappointed!”
Think about it: Our initial impulse when disappointed, hurt, upset, is to lash out. As (mostly) responsible adults, we manage this, stuff it aside, or grunt rather than act on it. Why? Because we know what the consequences will be if we don’t.
Get Down on Your Kid’s Level, and Name Their Other Feelings
Now that we know anger is secondary, it’s important to do some investigating regarding what other emotions our children are feeling in the moment. Pro Tip: upset is a good one. It’s often safe enough for teens, because it is in the same emotion family as anger. As you practice naming feelings other than ‘mad,’ your child will begin to correct you. This will help you start to nail your guesses, but either way, your child hears you focused on their feelings, and less on their behavior, which in turn decreases the intensity and length of their meltdowns.
Name ‘upset, disappointed, hurt, etc.’ and then name the anger. Doing both is important. This helps your child/teen switch the focus to the feeling behind their anger, moving the processing of the feelings along.
Josie wants a snack, but it’s 10 minutes before dinner. You tell her no, redirect her to the choices she has after dinner, and she still gets upset. She’s not hungry for dinner! She wants those cookies NOW. So, she calls you stupid and the dinner gross. Typically, this would lead to you sending her to her room and sometimes giving some retort back about how ungrateful she is about your hard work in the kitchen. Maybe in this moment it struck a cord because you’re not sure how dinner will turn out, (you’re trying a new recipe) and you’re already vulnerable about the meal.
Here is where you can name her feeling for her:
Mom, bending down to meet Josie: “Josie, I know you’re disappointed you don’t get a snack right now. You’re mad that you can’t have what you want right now.”
That second sentence probably sounds familiar. If you’ve been following my blog, you’ve been focusing on naming feelings for your children. Hopefully, the primary feeling, disappointment, is more easily recognized here, as she can’t have what she wants. By kneeling or bending down we decrease the sense of powerlessness our children feel when a big tall adult is telling them ‘no.’ It sends the same comforting message we instinctually give when our child is physically hurt, or they are sad. Emotional hurt or disappointment is not much different of a feeling. Responding in a similar manner will help your child feel understood.
We ‘bend down’ by going over to our teen and making eye contact. Use our body language to indicate full attention and care to their feelings– our toes follow our nose. This body posture of facing our teen with our whole body indicates their emotions matter enough to attend to, even when we aren’t giving them what they are asking for.
“I know you’re upset you can’t borrow the car this weekend. You were hoping to go to ______, and you’re mad that you can’t drive yourself.”
Next week we will focus more on how to redirect your child/teens anger and support them in expressing it in a more effective manner. Acknowledging the emotions behind the anger is the first step toward teaching them how to manage their emotions more effectively, and how to have a conversation with them about why their words hurt so much.
Are there other parenting topics you’d like to hear more about? Let me know in the comments!
Whether is a*hole, jerk, dummy, or stupid, it hurts when our kids/teens lash out in anger. No matter the age, correcting the use of the ‘bad word’ is probably not going to diffuse the situation in the moment. Focusing on the emotions behind the words will, however.
1. Check On Yourself
No, not ‘check yourself’, check in ON yourself. This series is not only about how to respond to your child, but also a check in to all my parents out there to make sure you’re comforting yourself. Parenting is hard as hell. PLEASE do something for yourself regularly so that you can be able to take that verbal tomato thrown at you. Reading your book club book that you don’t actually like doesn’t count.
Paint your nails, take a yoga class and actually go, whittle some wood, dig in the yard and plant something you can feel proud to watch grow (only if gardening is actually your thing). None of this Keeping up with the Jones’ hobby shit. If you don’t like to knit, stop doing that to relax. Find some sort of self-care activity (I’m sure there’s a Pinterest list about it) that sends the message to yourself that you are worth the 30-60 minutes a week. Yes, you heard me; monthly parent’s night out isn’t going to cut it.
As parents, it’s easy to prioritize our kids’ sports practices, scouts meetings, and other events over our own interests.
Cool it. Find a friend who can carpool. Your kid will benefit more from a parent who can keep their cool when they are overwhelmed than one that shows up to ALL THE THINGS but can’t keep their shit together at home.
Feel like I’m going too far with this post?
Let me ask you this: why do we take in the parenting blogs that tell us all the things we’re doing wrong for our kids, the things we SHOULD prioritize for their healthy development, and yet dismiss ones that encourage we prioritize our own well-being?
In order to forgive ourselves for the times we do lose our shit at home, and do better next time, we have to be available for change. We cannot be available for change as parents if we are in survival mode.
2. Name the Feeling
I’ve written about empathy before. I will write about it again. Here, I’m talking to you about naming your feelings. What besides hurt are you experiencing when you hear those words your child flings at you? Do you hear your 5th grade bully saying you’re no good? Or your caregivers as a child when you didn’t measure up?
Experience that pain.
Maybe that means you take a longer shower and let the tears flow, but either way, understand why these words are so powerful for your children when they use them. It will help you teach them why they’re not appropriate later.
You are responsible for your own emotional management.
If you regularly treat yourself with compassion, it will be easier to let your child’s poor choice of words when they are hurting mean less to you. With this, you can avoid lecturing, time-outs, writing lines, and all those other punishment and shame-oriented responses that are based in anger, frustration, or exasperation when our children are not able to manage their emotions.
Want to know more about what and when to respond to your child when they use this language? Next week I’ll cover that.
Despite my cuss words above, I’m not going to say it’s no big deal that your kids are using these bad words. But, as you can probably tell, the soap in my mouth at 7 didn’t do shit. (Sorry mom!)
How I Became Interested in Animal-Assisted Play Therapy
For a period of time at a Residential Treatment Center I worked at it was ‘bring your dog to work day’ any day you felt like it. So I, having just gotten a dog myself, was super excited when he reached the four-month mark and was allowed to come. This was a very selfish goal of mine. I wanted to bring my puppy to work–how amazing would that be? What I didn’t know was how effective Porter’s personality would be with these youth who had such extreme behaviors.
Dogs are Great Listeners
Their aversion to talking about their feelings based on their history of neglect and abuse was pronounced, but when you put a dog in the room (and one who was fluffy and friendly and calm… almost never) you are able to help them feel comfortable enough to process what hurt them in order to build skills to help them make it through their days.
I saw hardened, aggressive, outwardly mean teens melt to the floor with this puppy in their lap. And as he licked their faces they giggled. Now, as a play therapist I believe there is inherent good in all people, especially children. Porter just helps bring it out a little faster than I can.
Dogs Can’t Call You a Piece of Shit.
And so it’s a lot easier to build a relationship with a kind, friendly animal and transfer that relationship to its kind, friendly therapeutic handler. It’s harder for teens and kids to take the look a dog is giving them and interpret judgmental words out of it. If they do, they usually mention it to the handler. However, when I raise an eyebrow, or open my eyes wide in interest, they are less likely to ask me whether I approve of them, even if I am expressing genuine curiosity in the moment. This blunt inquiry takes much more time in human relationships.
Kind and Friendly, Yes, But He’s Also A Goof
No, Porter is not the perfect therapy dog. He won’t be visiting an ‘old folks’ home’ or hospital anytime soon– he is just too wiggly. But for children who struggle to maintain their behavior, who struggle to stay calm, and who struggle to slow down, he gives them the perfect opportunity to be the teacher. They can feel proud of what they know they are capable of doing. And Porter continues to learn as he grows out of his lab-puppyhood, which may or may not take a decade.
Now that we have an understanding of how your child experiences the world, we can help support him/her.
Talk to your child about the new experience when you first receive the invitation, and then starting 3 days before the event, discuss it each day. Spend a few minutes talking about what is to come and focus on the facts, along with solutions to possible problems:
“We will go inside and check in at the counter. Then we will get bowling shoes and pick out a ball. There will probably be loud noises and kids running around having fun. We will pack your iPod so you can take a break if it gets too loud or too busy. Let’s go make a playlist to help you stay calm if you need it.” Redirecting the conversation to something she can control in the moment, like making a playlist, will help her feel empowered in solving her own problems.
If you can, try going to the alley in advance just to walk around and expose your child to the environment. The 5-minute experience inside the building can help decrease the amount of stimulation she feels when she walks in for the party. The layout will be one less thing to get used to. You can use this time to pick out a spot that would be good for that music break when she’s not in panic overload.
Be sure to pack that mp3 player, along with other items to help your child feel secure in this new environment. A few ideas: stress ball, stuffed animal, fidget toy. These items can help your child take a break while staying in the environment, which is the goal.
Think to yourself, what is a reasonable expectation for your child as you work to push her out of her comfort zone? That she stays for 30 minutes? Takes at least one break before you leave early? Plays one full round of bowling? If your child regularly refuses new situations, and melts down wanting to leave immediately, staying for the whole party the first time is not a reasonable goal, even with these new tricks up your sleeve. Again, as you are slowly introducing her to the activity, you must also adjust your goals for her.
5. Validate and (gently) Push
You will go to that party. It may be overwhelming for your kid, but you will have a plan. Validate her when she says she doesn’t want to go. Hold the expectation that you will still go, even if it seems like it’s too much.
I know you’re wondering if you can keep this up. It’s overwhelming to think that you will have to do this for your child forever. BREATHE. You won’t have to. Think of these extra steps as an investment.
You are investing in your child’s ability to push beyond anxiety and discomfort.
You are investing in her ability to self-soothe. She will learn to generalize these skills in new experiences in the future.
Most importantly, you are investing in your relationship, as she will feel understood as you acknowledge these experiences really are quite tough for her.
Last week we learned about the highly sensitive child. This week, we will try to understand him/her.
It’s important to note your child is not being dramatic.
Their senses are actually on overload. Some highly sensitive people have likened their experiences to living in a body without skin. New experiences are not inviting, they are scary. When your child’s worries are inhibiting him/her from participating in an activity, it can be helpful to think of all of the new factors you would experience when you go to a new location. Let’s use bowling at a birthday party for example.
First, you drive up, park, enter the building and look for the counter, say hello to the staff member, order your shoes, pay for the lane, pick a ball, etc. all before you even start to socialize with the other party-goers!
Highly sensitive children struggle to consider creative solutions to their problems.
As a result, they freeze or refuse new situations because it is too overwhelming to them. They struggle to think of what to do when they are uncomfortable in this new place to feel safe and secure. It’s safer to refuse and hope that mom or dad will let them stay home.
Where you or I can tune out the squealing children, bouncing balls rolling down the lanes, arcade games beeping, and music blaring, highly sensitive children struggle to zone in on the fun of the experience. They are trapped by all the noise, crowds of people, and those stiff shoes we have to wear.
Next week I will share how to help your sensitive child through a new experience.
Want to know more about the highly sensitive child, or another parenting topic? Let me know in the comments!
UNO is a great game to help parents learn more about the emotions their children/teens experience. Use this variation at your next family game night and see how your children/teens experience their world. Hopefully you will be able to practice your skills in showing them empathy and in validating their feelings with this fun game!
The link below will send you to a page on my website that will allow you to click on the form!
In a previous post I spoke about empathy, and how we can use it to help our children comply with our requests at home. Empathy is important to help children feel understood, and validation helps them recognize their feelings are normal. It’s the next step to building an emotionally intelligent child/teen. Validation is often viewed as interchangeable with empathy with parents, so I want to break it down here.
Why do we need validation?
Validation is especially helpful when children are worried. A common theme among the children and teens I work with is that they’ve developed a pattern of hiding their worries from their parents. Typically, this occurs even when parents acknowledge their feelings, because they then work hard to make it better for their kids by offering solutions to the problem, or telling them not to worry.
This is something we are hardwired to do. Our evolutionary brains are built to take away our child’s booboos. When they are infants, they cry, we pick them up, and do everything we can make them stop, right?
Well, this works great for the first year, maybe two. After that, children interpret a subtle message from our attempts to make it all better. They start to think that it’s not ok to feel worried or sad or other negative feelings. So they mention them less, and the effects of their worries leak out in their behavior with whining, complaining, meltdowns, and tantrums, no matter the age.
What is validation?
Validation is the act of letting your child know their feelings are ok, common, expected, and that’s it. No need for a solution, or to make them happy again.
But Megghan, it hurts my heart to see them upset! Yes, it absolutely does. Emotionally expressive and resilient children need the space to feel their feelings without worrying about whether their parents think they should have those feelings, or if it will get them in trouble, or if they will be dismissed for worrying about a ‘small’ thing.
Easier said than done! Like I said earlier, it’s an automatic response for us to say “don’t worry” or “it won’t hurt” or “you’ll be fine.” It was necessary for early humans to make quick decisions about danger. This often meant deciding for their children what they should/should not do in an uncertain situation. Now that we live in a society where we aren’t being chased by animal predators, we can let our children be in their feelings without needing to whisk them away immediately.
How can I validate my child/teen?
To send this message we can say “you’re really worried about that” (empathy). Then, “It makes sense that you’re wondering what might happen when…” (validation). Or “It’s tough to feel like you don’t know what’s going to happen next” (empathy) and “lots of kids feel worried when they try a new experience” (validation).
Pause and let your child talk about the worry, or draw a picture about how big it is, or for teens, pick a song whose lyrics fit what they’re feeling. Keep the focus on them, as teens especially often feel misunderstood when we offer an example that shows we can relate.
You can offer at the end of your conversation to help them work through a solution, or ask what they think they want to do about it. When we make space for our kids to feel their feelings, and know they are ok to have, we make space for them to find their own solutions to these problems in their own time.
Stay tuned for more on validation and helping worried kids and teens. Want more tips on specific issues? Let me know in the comments!
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