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What to do when your teen’s BIG feelings are overwhelming…

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Most parents we speak to feel stuck with their teen’s big feelings, because when they try to help problem solve their met with “you don’t get it!” or “that’s not gonna work!” It can feel like you’re just trying to keep your head from being bitten off. 

When teens share their frustration or their worry, (or huffs and puffs and door slamming) they don’t want you to try and fix the problem. Your teen probably already knows what they need to do. The problem they’re having is whether they feel secure in trusting their gut, or a worry that they’ll make it worse if they can’t get their big feelings under control.

Because when you go through life feeling ALL THE FEELINGS all the time, you can eventually get numb to them until you explode. So if your teen is sensitive, or a perfectionist, this might lead them to judge themselves or feel ashamed for even having feelings about something that didn’t go well in the first place.

So, when you point out a solution, (we get it, it’s automatic, you’re just trying to help!) you’re met with resistance in it’s ugliest form. Can put a damper on your vacation, can’t it?

So, instead of jumping to help your teen problem solve, clasp your hands tightly. Give your mouth a zipper, and nod. Repeat back to your teen what you heard. Even the last three words your teen said as a lead in question: “it’s not working?” Can help your teen feel heard. Listened to. And obtain the freedom to slow down enough to get their spinning thoughts under control.

Here’s the catch: this skill doesn’t always work like a magic wand. It’s the tip of the iceberg. And let’s face it, your teen still needs to learn how to slow down their reactions so you’re not met with constant irritability when you try to help.

If that’s something you want support or direction with, reach out for a complimentary call. We’ll talk about what works best for you and your teen to learn the skills to help life a more peaceful life.

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/contact/

 

When your hopes don’t match up with your teen’s motivation.

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When parents feel like their goals for their teen don’t match up with their teen’s, it can get tricky.

Another holiday has passed, and parents could be struggling to see how they can help their teen get it together for the second half of the school year. 

We speak with parents who have tried holding their teen’s hand through schoolwork, tried reducing privileges, and neither of those work. They start to feel stuck that their teen hasn’t learned to take responsibility yet. But they know that just makes things worse. 

The truth is, a parent’s motivation for their teen’s success just might not match what their teen values, and so they could be stuck speaking different languages at home. 

 But when they try to relate, they’re met with eye rolls, or a teen shuts down. It’s rough. 

At Thompson Child Therapy, we teach teens how to find the inner drive to make their life worth living so they can stop reacting to their emotions in the moment and feel focused on the future. 

Teens need to learn how to find a balance. What parents might’ve seen as the drive for perfection when their teen was younger might have led to a lack of motivation in the teen years when they didn’t reach their goals immediately.

By focusing on the ability to see small incremental progress through tracking effective behavior AND ineffective behavior, we help teens climb out of the cavern of giving up that can seem like hope is futile. 

But with skills and a focus on the teen’s true dream, one met without comments like “let’s be realistic” or “how will you ever be an artist if you can’t do your homework,” (comments we know come from parents at times of frustration but are rooted in hope and love) we can help teens find the motivation to succeed. Even if they’ve given up and have been feeling sad and worried for quite some time, or they were told by other professionals that they couldn’t reach this goal given how they’re struggling right now.

With a clear sense of where they want to go, we help teens find the inner commitment to make it happen DESPITE setbacks (not without them). By preparing in advance (something we call troubleshooting) we help teens feel solid in their decision to live a life focused on possibilities, not whatever isn’t working or going their way. 

Reach out for support if you feel your teen could benefit from this approach. 

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/…/teen-anxiety-and-depres…/

 

How to Show Your Teen Respect for Their Privacy, Without Staying in the Dark About Their Life

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We hear from parents all the time that their teen “doesn’t talk” to them. Parents say when they ask their teen about their day, they hear “fine” but they’re certain that’s not the case. The dagger-like stares, the irritability and short temper say opposite.

It can be so challenging to know when to press on, to help their teen open up, and when to “respect their privacy”… especially when worried about teens making unsafe choices. 

Here are a few things parents can consider when honoring their teen’s needs for privacy, without overlooking safety concerns.

  1. Ignorance is not the same as privacy. When respecting a teen’s privacy, be sure to avoid confusing this with a sense of “I don’t want to know” for fear of finding out something alarming. Parents have a right to know who your teen’s friends are, what they generally discuss, what their interests are, and where they hang out together. It’s all in the delivery of the question.
  2. Teens often struggle with seeing a ‘middle ground.’ So, it’s either all, or nothing, when they’re asked to share about their day. But, depending on their mood, they could fear that sharing ‘all’ could lead their parent to restrict contact with friends altogether when concerned about safety. 
  3. Teach your teen to summarize their experiences. This is especially hard for highly sensitive teens; being concise is a life skill, and teens might need examples to learn this effectively. For example, if a teen had a 60 minute discussion about a friend’s love interest, and this love interest is flirting with two different people, and they were trying to figure out who he liked more, and dissecting every snap/IG post, your teen could tell you: “Julie and I were talking about how whether or not Aaron is interested in her.”
  4. Focus on your teen’s interest or skill in the conversation: “It sounds like you’re really trying to help her figure it out” or “You’re a good friend for listening to her.” Don’t try to fix the problem, pry for more details, or teach social skills when focusing on teaching teens to summarize. Small steps towards helping your teen share more will lead to increased trust.

In order to do this without worrying they’re missing something important, it’s helpful for parents to have support. Reach out where we will discuss what works best to help you and your teen learn how to balance privacy and maintaining trust in your relationship.

 

Why Teens Say Deep Breaths Don’t Work

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We hear from parents all the time that they work hard to support their teen to use their coping skills only to be met with this stuck feeling that the skill won’t actually calm their teen down. This can be scary for parents whose teens are struggling with dark thoughts.

The truth is, deep breaths are just one piece of the puzzle. It’s actually not that easy for teens with big feelings to stop, notice the big feeling in its intensity and take action. Taking a deep breath can work, but a teen has to catch it early or to do it long enough to calm the body’s nervous system, which is activated every time your teen feels a big feeling. 

This is quite a challenge for a teen who judges themselves for even having the big feelings in the first place. We work with teens to first acknowledge their emotion and stop the judgment. Saying “don’t worry” or “everyone has feelings” isn’t impactful for teens who feel deeply. 

What we help teens realize is that even if you feel big feelings, and feel singled out because of this, there are still people out there like you, and it’s why our groups are so helpful. Teens learn the strategies without venting about their days when they come to group (because that’s counterproductive in DBT, and why we actually call it skills class, not skills group!) 

They feel a part of a community without being overwhelmed, and when they witness the skills working for other teens they feel engaged enough to try them at home even if their parents have struggled to get them to do it on their own before. And parents feel supported because in skills class it’s built into the curriculum to achieve motivation for your teen to do the skills and accountability to follow through… Parents are always happy to stop nagging if it means they’re not giving up or giving in!

Teens get the support they need to make actionable change, take ownership over their emotions and actions without shame, and learn to stop the self-judgment and panic. 

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/teen-skills-group/

 

If your kid/teen holds it in and explodes after school…

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We often hear from parents who say their child is reportedly a “perfect angel” at school, holding it all in and then exploding at home.

If your Highly Sensitive child or teen clamps their lid on tight like a pressure cooker, explosive behavior is likely to show up at home often.

Highly Sensitive kids and teens often know that their teachers or peers wouldn’t react well to seeing them cry, yell, or have a meltdown, and so as a parent, you’re left holding the bag of an explosive child/teen as a result.

It may seem counterintuitive to “bother” the school with this information, but parents whom we help change this dynamic celebrate when we help them get the school on board towards helping their HSC learn to de-stress DURING the school day.

It’s not easy, your HSC is probably quite embarrassed and disinterested in sharing their challenges with school professionals, so it’s a delicate conversation to have with both your child and the school.

This is why we are hosting a workshop for you. 

In it we will teach all about how to:

-Support your child in a loving way and model the very important skill of asking for help

-Change your understanding of your child’s needs so that you can speak about their challenges in the context of their strengths to the teacher

-Know exactly how to explain your child/teen’s temperament in a developmentally appropriate way so that your child/teen becomes their own advocate rather than a turtle hiding in their shell assuming adults will read their mind when they need help

Click this link to find out more:

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/hscschoolprep/

 

The Critical Mistake Parents Make When Dealing with After-School Meltdowns and How to Avoid it

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Parents often ask how to deal with the meltdowns after school, most specifically how to stop a meltdown. Makes sense, the emotional bombs after school are unreal, and you know your kid is not just hangry. This isn’t a Snicker’s commercial!

This is a critical mistake. Searching for a magic wand (or 10) to use during a meltdown is ineffective at helping your HSC develop skills to manage the stress of school. 

You need to focus on teaching your child to avoid the overwhelm that leads to the meltdown in the first place. How do you do that? You need a team. Your KID needs a team. 

Think of how long your kid is going to be in school; what lesson are you teaching if you’re focusing on ‘riding it out’ until they deal with it at home? Pacing that emotional overwhelm and dealing with it IN THE MOMENT is the only way your child will learn to be an effective member of society. Isn’t that the end game?

Our Back to School Workshop helps with exactly that. Decreasing the overwhelm in the first place & getting the school on board with supporting your child is the first step. Next, helping your child develop those skills to decrease the overwhelm through the day in a way that helps avoid his/her sense of being the center of attention when using them is crucial. 

That’s right. I KNOW your HSC struggles to ask for help for fear of being judged or seeming like a burden. These strategies don’t need to include permission from a teacher. 

Learn more about setting your sensitive child/teen up for success for the duration of this school year, click the link below to learn more:

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/hscschoolprep/

 

Your teen is doing the best they can, AND they need to do better.

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When teens meet with our therapists, skeptical about whether or not we can help, one of the first things we agree on is a no-blame policy.

This is one of the core assumptions we teach here in DBT. 

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a structured, skills-based therapy that teaches your teen to accept themselves as they are, WHILE focusing on how to change their unsafe behavior, or extreme emotional outbursts. 

Teens feel supported alongside their parents’ dreams for them because they are able to find what works to meet the goals of the whole family.

So when teens come to us anxious, wishing they didn’t have to go to school, fearful of messing up on their tests but not studying until the last minute…

…or struggling to see the point of it all, depressed and disinterested in family activities… and engaging in risky behaviors instead…

…or angry, stuck yelling that their parents don’t get it or never listen, but their parents so desperately want to understand…

…they feel understood. They feel validated. And they TAKE ACTION toward their true vision for themselves because they KNOW we’ve got their back as they figure it all out.

Because the #1 problem that keeps your teen stuck is an assumption they make that they’re wrong for making mistakes. 

We know this from the research— the reason your teen isn’t opening up isn’t because they don’t know how, don’t care, or don’t want to. It’s because they judge themselves for needing help in the first place.

When we start there, breaking down that belief with your teen, that they’re okay…

AND can live a different life— that there’s nothing wrong with them… 

…your teen SHIFTs their ability to WANT to try different behaviors. Because the internal defensiveness is gone when discussing making changes. 

So the hope and perception that your teen CAN act and feel differently becomes more than hope for your teen— it becomes their inner truth.

A truth YOU feel so certain in already, and have been struggling to raise your teen to believe for themselves.

Click here to learn more about how these skills are taught to your teen so they can enjoy a life worth living. 

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/teen-skills-group/

 

The Best Way to Figure Out What Your Teen is Thinking…Without 20 Questions

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“Is that why you’ve been so angry lately?” Often genuine curiosity like this from a parent is met with a scoff or an eye roll from their teen. We’re here to tell you why that is, and how to get around it.

It’s easy to worry about why your teen is acting a certain way, whether that be yelling, isolating in their room, never being home, or talking until wee hours of the night on FaceTime with their boyfriend, (literally doing nothing….it’s just on in the background).

When you notice behavior like this it’s hard to figure out the cause in order to stop it. Especially if your teen won’t open up.

What we know is that validating your teen in the moment is the best and most effective way to learn more about what your teen is thinking.

When you inquire with your teen about why they’re feeling a certain way, they may or may not tell you…

…either because they don’t know, or because the way you ask why is missing the mark for your teen in the moment they’re being emotionally vulnerable with you, so they clam up.

When you help your teen know that their emotions are normal and to be expected (don’t confuse emotions with behavior!) your teen automatically feels understood.

What happens when a teen feels understood? They share more.

If your teen is struggling with anxiety, depression, or is healing from a traumatic experience, it’s crucial that you know how to validate.

Telling your teen “it makes perfect sense that you feel like that… especially given what just happened” helps your teen know you GET IT.

You may not have all the answers, that’s what our support is for, but when you’re ready to listen and hear how your teen feels their feelings deeply, your teen is bound to share more often.

 

To learn more about what works to support your teen in managing big emotions and to open up, click the link below:

https://thompsonchildtherapy.com/specialties/teen-anxiety-and-depression/

Sticks and Stones My Ass– What to do When Your Kid Calls You Names, Part 3

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Last week we learned that anger is always a secondary emotion. That means we can act as investigators rather than instructors when our children act out in anger. When our child/teen is angry, focusing on their other emotion and redirecting them to express this emotion effectively, will help dissipate their anger.

Usually, we fall into the power-struggle trap of commanding our children to behave: “don’t call me names, that’s disrespectful, go to your room!” This leaves our child/teen feeling powerful that they can hurt our feelings or make us react in anger.

Try these options instead:

Name the underlying feeling and comfort this part of your child.

Let’s use the example of Josie wanting a snack 10 minutes before dinner:

“You are sad that you don’t get a snack. Let’s get a drink of water to cool down those mad feelings.”

Redirect the emotion to an inanimate object:

“It’s hard when you don’t get what you want. That’s disappointing.”

“NO! You’re a bad mom!” (The first time doesn’t always work!)

“Josie, I know you’re disappointed you don’t get a snack right now. You can pretend the doll is me and call the doll names, but I am not for name-calling.”

Redirecting your child’s impulses toward an inanimate object is much like grumbling under our breath or in our heads for adults. Children don’t always have that level of self-control readily accessible when angry. Give them an outlet to maintain the verbal aggression without directing it at you. This is the first step to teaching them they can control their behavior.

Once your child follows through on this task, report their actions back to them:

“Ooh, you’re so mad you are calling her names!” This demonstrates to your child you are interested in understanding their feelings by naming them. They feel heard, and you are no longer the target of their anger. It is this part of the step that does not reinforce the aggression like people believe punching a pillow does for managing anger. When kids/teens feel heard, they feel less likely to act out.

Praise their efforts to calm down: “It was so hard to stop yelling at mommy, but you did it! You chose to yell at your doll instead.”

For teens, redirecting them to write down what they feel, or to play music to suit their mood is another good option, even if that means blasting the tunes. (“You can choose to write or draw about your disappointment, or play loud music to calm down. Please do not use that language when you are angry.”) Be sure to comment positively once they come back from their room on the effort it took for them to calm down. “You were really pissed, and you wanted to keep calling me names but you didn’t. I’m proud of you for that, that’s hard to do.”

Once your child/teen is calm, you can discuss with them how you feel when they use those words.

For teens especially, it could be very helpful for them to hear how those words bring up memories for you. Instead of in the moment via lecture-mode, here is the teachable moment. This is when you can come up with solutions to decrease the problem next time. Perhaps that means setting up a calm-down corner on the ground floor, or in their room. Notice how I said decrease, not eliminate when addressing the problem. Your child will yell again. They will call you names. Your responses will help eliminate the problem, their calm-down tools will help them feel more capable when upset. 

I hope this is helpful. If you would like more tips about managing anger, or other child/teen emotions let me know in the comments!

Teen yelling

Sticks and Stones My Ass– What to do When Your Kid Calls You Names, Part 2

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I hope you took some time this week to figure out what you’ll be implementing regularly to care for yourself, and identifying what, if any, activity for your child has to be shuffled around in order to make it happen. Bonus points for already doing it!

So, when you thought about the memories these mean names remind you of, what feelings came up? Helplessness? Vulnerability? Sadness? Disappointment? Hurt? This insight will come in handy…

Here is the next step in responding to your child when they call you names:

Understand the Brain

Children do not have the cognitive capacity to think ahead when upset. Their frontal lobe, the part of the brain that manages impulses, is immature.

But wait, Megghan, MY KID KNOWS these words piss me off! Yes, after they explode, they remember, or it registers, that what they did is hurtful. They are intelligent enough to talk to you about it later and demonstrate understanding. When we assume this means they know what they’re doing in the moment, what we miss here is the understanding that children need empathy, repetition and support to manage their angry impulses.  If we do not acknowledge their brain development, we jump to shame-oriented parenting strategies (spanking, time-out, writing lines, soap, etc.)

Understand Anger

Children cannot develop and express empathy unless they feel understood. They cannot understand, nor give two sh*ts about your feelings, and whether their words hurt you, if you do not first identify and sit with theirs. So, last week I asked you to do some self-exploration. If we brush off our own emotions regularly, say our kids’ words don’t hurt, then we cannot acknowledge their hurt.

Notice how I am not mentioning much about anger in this post already.

Anger is ALWAYS a secondary emotion. There is always another feeling underneath the anger. This feeling makes us feel more vulnerable, and thus we automatically look for a way to feel powerful, hence, the angry outburst. This comes more easily than saying “I’m disappointed!”

Think about it: Our initial impulse when disappointed, hurt, upset, is to lash out. As (mostly) responsible adults, we manage this, stuff it aside, or grunt rather than act on it. Why? Because we know what the consequences will be if we don’t.

Get Down on Your Kid’s Level, and Name Their Other Feelings

Now that we know anger is secondary, it’s important to do some investigating regarding what other emotions our children are feeling in the moment. Pro Tip: upset is a good one. It’s often safe enough for teens, because it is in the same emotion family as anger. As you practice naming feelings other than ‘mad,’ your child will begin to correct you. This will help you start to nail your guesses, but either way, your child hears you focused on their feelings, and less on their behavior, which in turn decreases the intensity and length of their meltdowns.

Name ‘upset, disappointed, hurt, etc.’ and then name the anger. Doing both is important. This helps your child/teen switch the focus to the feeling behind their anger, moving the processing of the feelings along.

Child Example:

Josie wants a snack, but it’s 10 minutes before dinner. You tell her no, redirect her to the choices she has after dinner, and she still gets upset. She’s not hungry for dinner! She wants those cookies NOW. So, she calls you stupid and the dinner gross. Typically, this would lead to you sending her to her room and sometimes giving some retort back about how ungrateful she is about your hard work in the kitchen. Maybe in this moment it struck a cord because you’re not sure how dinner will turn out, (you’re trying a new recipe) and you’re already vulnerable about the meal.

Here is where you can name her feeling for her:

Mom, bending down to meet Josie: “Josie, I know you’re disappointed you don’t get a snack right now. You’re mad that you can’t have what you want right now.”

That second sentence probably sounds familiar. If you’ve been following my blog, you’ve been focusing on naming feelings for your children. Hopefully, the primary feeling, disappointment, is more easily recognized here, as she can’t have what she wants. By kneeling or bending down we decrease the sense of powerlessness our children feel when a big tall adult is telling them ‘no.’ It sends the same comforting message we instinctually give when our child is physically hurt, or they are sad. Emotional hurt or disappointment is not much different of a feeling. Responding in a similar manner will help your child feel understood.

Teen Example:

We ‘bend down’ by going over to our teen and making eye contact. Use our body language to indicate full attention and care to their feelings– our toes follow our nose. This body posture of facing our teen with our whole body indicates their emotions matter enough to attend to, even when we aren’t giving them what they are asking for.

“I know you’re upset you can’t borrow the car this weekend. You were hoping to go to ______, and you’re mad that you can’t drive yourself.”

Next week we will focus more on how to redirect your child/teens anger and support them in expressing it in a more effective manner. Acknowledging the emotions behind the anger is the first step toward teaching them how to manage their emotions more effectively, and how to have a conversation with them about why their words hurt so much.

Are there other parenting topics you’d like to hear more about? Let me know in the comments!